Random Thoughts

I think my Mom has cancer. She has a lesion on her kidney. She is scheduled for surgery in December. She is 66 years old.

Lots of things are running through my mind. I have been worried about my Mom’s health since I moved in with her in 2003. I have watched her struggle for a long time. Knowing that I couldn’t do anything to help her but be here. Now she has been diagnosed with stage 4 Alzheimer’s and I am her power of attorney. I am not completely sure that she remembers who I am. She calls me Mom. I don’t know how to process that. She is sick and losing weight. Even though she eats. I don’t know how to process that either.

I might be losing my Mom. Have I been a good enough daughter? I don’t feel like I have. I feel substandard. I am lacking, but I can’t just let her fall away. I am everything short of perfect. I make lots of mistakes. I love my Mom. I hate what is happening to her.

I have no choice but to trust God with her. I want to be able to trust God with her. Why is trust so hard? What has God ever done to earn my distrust?  Why oh why is it so hard? Giving God your complete trust is no simple task. So, why do people tell you that it is? How can they just tell you to give it up and give it over? How? Just do it? This isn’t Nike! This is my damage. It is huge. Trust is impossibly hard.

I go to work every day and try to bury myself in work so I won’t break down in tears. how long can that last? How long can I keep up the brave face? When I feel like such a failure.

 

June 5, 2016 Daybook

If you would like to join in and post your own Daybook, please head on over to visit Peggy at The Simple Woman’s Daybook

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For Today:  Sunday, June 6, 2016

Outside my window it is dark because it is night time. I am writing early because I might not have a chance later.

I am thinking about how much God has blessed me in the last month. He is covering me and protecting me and my family.

I am thankful for a new job only 20 days after losing my job of almost 9 years. Seeing as I lost my job 5/11, had a job interview on 5/13, second interview on 5/16. I started that job on 5/17 and then they let me go on 5/27 because they didn’t have time to train me. I had another job interview on 5/28 and started my current job on 5/31. GOD IS FAITHFUL!

In the kitchen it is a little cleaner after we teamed up and got each major room in the house cleaned up.

From the Workshop I am taking some time off.

I am looking to do the best job I can at my new job.

I am learning that God is there even when it seems that He is too busy.

Around the house some people are sleeping, and some of us are watching American Ninja Warrior.

One of my favorite things is peach cobbler. I love that stuff!

A peek into my day:

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My daughter’s school had open house for the end of the year. She was Sacagawea in her presentation. Also, check out the odd cloud in the sky. The sun was farther off to the right. Neat isn’t it?

December 16, 2015 Daybook

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For Today:  Monday, November 16, 2015

Outside my window the sun is shining, but the temperature is colder than I prefer. Mornings have been in the 30’s for the last few days, but thankfully we don’t get snow here. We did have a few days of rain recently, which was exciting for my parched area of California. Usually the rain likes to move above and below us, which can be a bit frustrating.

I am thinking that I need to find a better way to organize my thoughts. They are so scattered between all of the things I need to do and remember and the stress of it is making me forget, besides all my distractions. I might need to start making a list of things to do each day to help me.

I am thankful that the Lord has me in His hands. Some days I need to be carried and rest.

In the kitchen I am hoping for chicken fajitas tonight. It sounds so good! I wonder if I can convince my personal chef?

From the Workshop I made very little progress on my eagle. However, I did manage to replace all of the stitches I had to frog the last time I looked at it, so that is something.   I was reading Chest of Souls by Michelle Erickson. I just finished this book the other day and now I am intrigued. It took so long for the book to be interesting that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to finish it or not. Now I am stuck on a cliff, dangling on the end of ledge where the end of the book just dropped off. http://www.amazon.com/Chest-Souls-Book-Michelle-Erickson/dp/0557680026. I am in the beginning of The Dragon Reborn, which is the second book to The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan.

I am looking at some huge responsibilities where my Mom is concerned and wondering what to do next. Which step should I take next?

I am learning that my life is too full of distractions and clutter and a good cleansing may do me wonders, as well as a day at the spa.

Around the house we are talking about how to better use the living room space. It is a never ending issue.

One of my favorite things are violins. I wish I knew how to play. That is one instrument where if played well can bring me to tears. A few plans for the rest of the week: Church tonight, my Christmas party for work tomorrow night as well as my husband’s birthday. Driving my daughter to her Dad’s Saturday and the church Christmas party Saturday night. A busy weekend for me.

A peek into my day:

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My daughter’s new school had a star gazing event last night. I got this picture of the moon through the telescope. It was amazing!

October 20, 2015 Daybook

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For Today:  Monday, October 20, 2015

Outside my window the sun is shining, but the fall winds are blowing through town, setting up the feelings of harvest. Scary things are popping up all over town and my kids are getting antsy to dye their hair and dress up. Bella is going to be Cinderella and I have no idea what my step-daughter wants to dress up as, but she wants to dye her hair blue. It cracks me up. I will be working the face painting booth at our Harvest Party, even though I am an amateur.

I am thinking that like the fall winds, my family is caught in the turning of the tides. One season appears to be ending and another beginning. I am praying for a smooth transition and good things to come.

I am thankful that the Lord is faithful, even if I am not. I am grateful for His answers and provisions.

In the kitchen I hope my hubby has something good cooking.

From the Workshop I am still taking a break. I am reading a bit more these days.   I am reading Chest of Souls by Michelle Erickson. The beginning started out a bit dry for me, but it is starting to pick up the pace. http://www.amazon.com/Chest-Souls-Book-Michelle-Erickson/dp/0557680026. I am also reading The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan.

I am looking forward to the changing of the seasons. Now that the heat is gone, I can feel it. On a spiritual front as well. Things are being stirred up and shaken out.

I am learning to let go of the idols of my heart. Things that I never thought could be idols, but when you look at it as anything that you allow to have more control over you than God as an idol, it makes sense.

Around the house we are working towards organizing. We aren’t very good at it.

One of my favorite things are caramel apples and I am seeing them everywhere this season. A few plans for the rest of the week: Free night tonight, church on Wednesday night, free Thurs and couples group Friday night.

A peek into my day:

The kids created a play at school. Left to right.

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Teacher, Ms. Alyssa, my step-daughter Allysa (the minion), Jasmine (the princess), Caleb (space dragon), my daughter Bella (Space dragon) and Leah (bystander)

September 21st 2015 Daybook

If you would like to join in and post your own Daybook, please head on over to visit Peggy at The Simple Woman’s Daybook

For Today:  Monday, September 21, 2015

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Outside my window the sun is shining because it is HOT outside! For this area, we are in record heat reaching into the 90’s and higher. What is going on? I must be living in the mirror of Hell! Haha, just kidding, but it is hot for sure. I am thinking of how my husband is doing. His Mom passed away last weekend and he has been struggling with his emotions and his stomach.

I am thankful that the Lord is faithful, even if I am not. I am grateful for His grace and mercy and patience with me as well as lessons learned.

In the kitchen things need cleaning. It has been so hot, and our house is even hotter inside than outside, that we haven’t had any energy to clean much of anything.

From the Workshop I finally picked up my cross-stitch again after a few months off. Only to find that I had several stitches to frog because I was off by a whole square. I fixed it and set it down again.   I am reading Chest of Souls by Michelle Erickson. The beginning started out a bit dry for me, but it is starting to pick up the pace. http://www.amazon.com/Chest-Souls-Book-Michelle-Erickson/dp/0557680026. I am also reading The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan.

I am looking forward to restoration in God’s will. We need it so bad.

I am learning to pray for the Mind of Christ more often. If I was tapped into that more often, life would be a lot better off and so would I.

Around the house we are in survival mode. I don’t like it. Nothing gets done, nobody has energy. The house needs attention, but the heat is difficult. I want to run through the house with a hose.

One of my favorite things are rainy days, which I miss very much here in California. A few plans for the rest of the week: Church tonight, helping my friend with her wedding on my day off tomorrow, church Wed. night, free Thursday and Friday will be busy.

A peek into my day:

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My son and our cat Tito. Everyone is just trying to stay cool and the cat wants to cuddle! Crazy lil fuzzy heater.

June 9th 2015 Daybook

For Today June 9,2015

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Outside my window storm clouds are actually forming. Looks like we have a storm rolling in per Accuweather.com

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Finally! We need the rain badly.
I am thinking about my health more and more. I am gaining weight and I am very unhappy about it. I think it is time to make some changes.
I am thankful for Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for a better way to live.
I am wearing a blue top and black pants. I may even be wearing black clogs.
I am creating very little these days. I did do a few stitches on my eagle cross-stitch, but other than that I have been in a slump.
I am going work on doing better with going to bed earlier and being less tired. Taking steps to work on my health too.
I am wondering How I can work a diet into my very tight budget with the rest of the family.
I am reading Awakened by Jason Tesar. I have come back to this book to try and slog through it. It really isn’t keeping my interest though. Since I am 75% through it, I am determined to finish it and then decide if I want to continue with the rest of the series.
I am hoping the doctor will actually be useful this visit. I am tired of this doctor. He doesn’t do the same job he used to.
I am learning about God’s original design for family the more I teach on it this month. I like volunteering to teach the first 15 minutes of our healing class.
In my garden things are dying and the gopher is having a field day. We need rain and gopher traps badly. Now we are being made to cut down on water usage too so things will only get worse.
In my kitchen it is quiet because no one is home.
A peek into one of my days
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I got to attend my friend’s baby shower for her adorable baby girl Catori.
One of my favorite things are rainy days. We are having one today! YAY!

April 7th Daybook

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The Simple Woman’s Daybook

For Today:  Sunday, April 7, 2015

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Outside my window …   It was actually raining for most of the morning. Too bad it won’t make a dent in California’s drought. We need consistent gentle rains. I wonder if we will ever see them again. I am thinking what will happen when my son comes back next week. I will continue to have him pack up his room and look for work, but the more he is gone, the more I know that he really needs to be out of the house. I was able to find a temporary solution for him to be out of the house, but I just don’t know where he should go after that. My Pastor and I agree that he is too innocent minded and impressionable to be released to the streets in this town, which is rife with gangs and drugs. So what do I do? If you read this, perhaps you can join me in prayer about it.

I am thankful God’s provisions every day. I am thankful for a church that challenges me to seek healing and growth every day. Holding me accountable and encouraging me to stick with it, applauding my efforts and supporting me.

In the kitchen a complete disaster area. Dished are getting done, but the countertops and kitchen table are filling up. I can’t imagine why I can relate to http://www.aslobcomesclean.com/ so much. The worst part is, my husband and kids are home all week on Resurrection break and do they clean anything??? NOPE! I am working hard 7:30 – 4pm and then running errands after work. I come home and it is the same old mess, sometimes worse. *Sigh* This was supposed to be about the kitchen huh? Well, it is basically the same thing.

I am reading Chest of Souls, by Michelle Erickson and Daekazu. It is the first in a series, but it was free and apparently it won an award. I love reading free Amazon books so I can see if the rest of the series is something I would like or not. I am looking forward to Friday because it is pay day. I am at a 5% oil life, ¼ of a tank of gas, running out of food in the fridge and freezer, car registration on the 15th and I have $13.00 in the bank. I am FREAKING out. Nothing new since Obamacare is costing me an extra $182.00 a month I couldn’t afford.

I am learning to give my worries over to God. I don’t even know how to do that. Oh, we can say the words and say the prayer, but for me, I have to tell Him to take them, no matter what I say or do. It takes my stupid free will out of it and allows Him to do what He needs to for me to be ok.

Around the house…  Well, I probably don’t need to get into that rant again. I already vented in the “kitchen” area question. Sorry about that.

A favorite quote for today…  I don’t really pay attention to quotes, although I like everyone else’s. Can I just borrow everyone else’s quotes?

One of my favorite things…  Online video games. I am hooked. Honestly, I am fine without it until I get started on one. Then I am stuck there for hours doing quest after quest. I like completing quests. A few plans for the rest of the week:   Church tomorrow evening after work. Work on Thursday, work on Friday and then the weekend!

A peek into my day…  

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Almost 4 years married and working on this crazy thing called marriage.